Let me make one thing clear: this has nothing to do with love.
I’m no expert at love. The very word makes me nauseous and sets my body to a defensive mode. But I have had my heart broken once or twice. Badly. By some pathetic loser by the way. Luckily for me, I’m a quick learner it seems. I made ridiculous mistakes of cosmic proportions and learnt a thing or two.
So, if you feel a looming break-up is coming your way (trust me, we can all see it coming!), read, learn and gain wisdom from the mistakes of others because you don’t want to make them all!
For the ladies who have “been there done that” and, hopefully, out of the “single jungle”, enjoying the safety and comfort of Tarzan’s little love-nest high up on the treetops, I dedicate this to you all. I hope it tickles your evil, funny bone.
Delete, delete, delete… all traces of your ex.
I used to have an amazingly sharp memory. Thanks to my over-reliance on the mobile phone, the only number I remember now is 911 (honey, it only works in the US!).If your memory is better than mine, there are two phone numbers you know by heart: your mum’s and your ex’s. So, in your quest to “get over him”, first, delete him from your digital memory store starting with your mobile phone. Erase his mobile number, email, work phone, home phone, his best friend’s number, his mother’s number (especially!).
If you’re both on Yahoo Messenger or MSN, close those accounts right now. And, please, get a real social life.
Then remove every piece of clothing, toiletry and dirty underwear he left behind in your bathroom. And no, don’t even think of washing and neatly packaging these into a bundle for him. The concierge has closed and will not be re-opening. Ever.
Change the music in your CD player. It will change the music inside of you.
Whatever you do, DO NOT call him… ever.
It’s pathetic, really. What are you hoping to accomplish? No, you won’t get him back because he’s not coming back. Ever. Even if he does, it’ll only be overnight. Believe me when I say this: you don’t want that! The bottom line is if he dumped you, he’s not into you. Sound familiar? The word on the street is true. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Ok, so there are those lucky people that get back together and live happily ever after.
In the movies!
If you’re living in the same world as I, you know it’s the exception, not the rule. Sadly, most women seem to think, hopelessly and to their detriment, that their situation is somehow always an exception, as if they live in a parallel reality where the rules of engagement do not apply because for some unknown and far-imagined reason, their parallel world is immune to life’s cruel veracity. Well, it’s not and you’re not. The rule of life rules, unless the odd exception, freak-of-nature-type event occurs. And it rarely happens. The sooner you realise that, the better.
So, in your moment of pathetic weakness, it’s completely understandable and even acceptable to max out your credit card for much needed retail therapy. Even indulge in uncharacteristically obscene behaviour including binge-drinking, a drunken pash or two with complete strangers, or hysterical emotional outbursts in embarrassingly crowded places. Just make sure you’re in the company of people who give a damn about you … your friends.
Scream. Cry. Laugh. Do whatever it takes to flush him out of your system. But for goodness’ sake, do not call your ex.
Should I return the gold watch he gave me?
Are you kidding me? It’s yours. Keep it. Or better yet, take all the valuable items he’s ever given you to cash converters – the gold necklace for your birthday, the beautiful pair of earrings last Christmas and that gorgeous bracelet for Valentine’s Day. Then buy yourself a new pair of Jimmy Choos! It will elevate your height as well as your mood.
Trust me, turning his precious little gifts, which are rightfully yours, into cold hard cash will satisfy a scorned woman’s desire for sweet revenge. Albeit briefly. But who cares? Right now, little victories are what you need to get you over the line. And over him.
Let’s be friends?!? … Yeah, right!
Oh, please! This is worse than calling your ex. I’ll be brutally honest because it’s the only way to get to the truth. If you, in any way, suggest that you wish to remain friends with an ex who dumped you like vomit, you’re up to something and it won’t do you any good.
Yes, it’s absolutely possible to be friends with an ex. I am friends with most of mine as a matter of fact. But if you haven’t gotten over him, and I mean really gotten over him, and you’re the one pushing or making an effort to “remain friends” with the “dumper”, most likely, you are driven by ulterior motives. You’re so much in denial, you can’t even admit it to yourself. So, let me make this clearer for you: he’s not coming back. Wake up and smell the stench because you’re standing on a gigantic pile of horseshit collected over the years starting from when you believed in the myth of Cinderella and his prince, up to the time you thought Ricky Martin’s hot. Apparently, Ricky Martin’s gay! And Cinderella divorced his prince two months later: they weren’t compatible, after all!
So, think long and hard about you’re real motivations. Life is good but it ain’t a fairytale.
If he’s the one wanting to remain friends, well, beware. Remember, or have you forgotten already, he dumped you. So it’s neither an invitation for renewed romance nor for any kind of “real” friendship you want or need right now.
Let me tell you a little secret. Most guys, unfortunately, are cowards. They’re scared to death of hurting our feelings (because we all go “emotional” on them!) and will do anything to weasel their way out of very difficult situations. The fact is, if he wants you, and I mean want-you-so-badly-it-hurts kind of thing, there are no mixed signals. He’ll come and get you, don’t you worry about that. On the other hand, if he’s not really in to you, he’ll leave things as vague as possible, non-committal if you like, that way he can’t be held responsible for anything that happens. Sad but true.
So dear friend, if you really want to get on with life, make new friends and resurrect neglected friendships. I bet your old friends have been waiting for your call for months.
Get a life…a darn good one!
The sweetest revenge is to live a happy life. And it’s the only way to live.
But first of all, change your sheets!
Call your friends. Dance around the house in your underwear. Or naked, if you prefer. Attend a party (fully clothed!). Drink good champagne. Wear amazingly red lipstick. Strut around in ridiculously high stilettos. Visit your hairdresser.
Chat up a good-looking guy at a funky bar. Wear perfume. Flirt. Play games and play it cool. This time, you’re the predator, not the prey. Take a risk.
You’re so sexy. Who wouldn’t want you?
And if you’re still afraid to step back out into the “single jungle”, here’s a tip: run an ad for a male flatmate. You’ll be surprised at what you’ll find. Tarzan might just come knocking at your door.
Live life. It’s the only one you’ve got.
P.S. And just to be clear, I’m in a very happy relationship with a beautiful man who adores me.